I’m sitting down to write this blog post after an emotionally draining week, and I have to admit that I don’t know entirely what it’s about. And then I think, exactly. The truth is I don’t know what it’s all about.
For those of us who were lucky enough to have teenage love in all its fiery downfall, we experienced a sureness, a confidence, a blind and damning hope beyond all odds that love was what it was all about. Of course, life progressed and our naivety, at best, faded, and at worst, crashed and burned into oblivion. We then spend most of our lives searching for that utter confidence in someone, something, anything. Something that we will hold to in every circumstance, something that will not fail us, something that we see in every projection of our future, but that is something illusive and impossible. In this world there is no constant, no promise that things will remain the same. In fact, the mere seasons, ushered in by angry winds, guarantee us change. Loved ones leave, or worse, are taken from us, dreams fail, plans collapse, even relying on our own physical being condemns us. We live in a chaotic, ever-changing world.
This is where I must remind myself that my God is bigger than the chaos of this world. And that I do believe with all my might that no minute detail of our pain is lost or meaningless, but is instead, somehow, working for God’s glory. I say that I believe that with all my might because that is what it takes. It takes a physical and mental strength to put my hope and trust in God. And tonight I’m not feeling as strong.
When faced with a new and potentially dangerous situation, it is said that our body has two mechanical responses: fight or flight. I have come to find that my instinctual response is flight. In fact, my brain has convinced itself that in “flighting” I am actually fighting for myself, protecting myself. I don’t think I believe that anymore. As a declaration of my shift from flight to fight I’d like to tell you just what it is I plan on fighting for.
I want a quiet, confident, clarity and a swollen heart.